I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
