Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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