Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just had sex on a roof
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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