he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
