all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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