you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
