I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
