Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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