My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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