At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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