i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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