i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
