I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
