sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You're so nebulous sometimes
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
