Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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