seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
