seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
