God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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