I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
she woke up with a sticky ear
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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