Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
