1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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