Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
