theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
