well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
