I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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