Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
there was a trapeze. enough said
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize