The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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