I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
