I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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