I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
