Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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