I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
