I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
