As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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