I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize