it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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