I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
