mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
