apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
