Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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