i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
