I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
