I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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