please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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