My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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