I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize