before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
