This dress was meant to end up on your floor
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
