Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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