I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
