I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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