Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
