just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
