I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
