well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
