I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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