The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
