Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
