my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
