he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
